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Sunday, August 5, 2012

RESIDENT EVIL SUCKS

If you liked the Resident Evil movies, you deserve to be bludgeoned with a golf club.

These movies suck more donkey cock than Paris Hilton. Oh yeah, this is a movie review by the way, because if I don't alleviate the choking hatred for this franchise that's been building up in my system for some time now, I may just snap.

Resident Evil, 2002.

This actually started as a decent movie. We got to see Milla Jovovich (mostly) naked and were introduced to bad-ass commandos (not that there's any other kind of commando, you understand). Gradually, the tension and unease increases as the characters make their way into the bowels of the shady Umbrella Corporation's mansion, which was built on top of a giant underground lab (called the "Hive") as a cover. The story is that the A.I. who monitors and regulates the systems of the Hive, called the Red Queen, went crazy and killed everyone for no reason, using toxic gas and falling elevators. It also locks some scientists in a lab and then turns on the sprinkler system, which is pretty bad for them and really fun for me to watch. However, what the commandos don't know is that the Red Queen isn't insane, but was actually attempting (she is holographically represented as a little girl, by the way) to contain a bio-hazard leak from the lab. However, the build-up leading up to the inevitable zombie dinner party leads to the biggest let-down of all; no cannibalism.

WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS, MAN?

Yeah. Not a single small intestines was in sight, or devoured by ghouls. We didn't even get to see a head explosion. And it gets worse. When they first get in and go to shut down R.Q., they have to get through this strange hallway full of glass and mirrors. And...lethal lasers! After the rest die, the awesome bad-ass commando squad leader dies the dumbest movie death of all time. If you look behind him right before the laser net gets him, you'll see that he had about three feet of space at the end of the hall where there was no glass, and thus, the laser could not get him. And he just stood there. HE JUST FUCKING STOOD THERE!!! And then the writers/director pussy out big-time by not even letting us watch his dissected body slide apart in a flood of blood and entrails. If you can't even write a decent death for the only cool character in the movie, why do you even go on? Oh, and it gets worse. A while after this, as zombies force our losers heroes towards the only exit in this stadium-like storage facility, one soldier runs up, pushes the other dude out of the way, types in the code--and gets grabbed by about a hundred zombies who were standing on the other side. Hottie Michelle Rodriguez gets bitten.

DOES HE GET EATEN?

No. He goes down under a crowd, but he doesn't get torn apart. Oh, and when he comes back as a zombie later on, he looks exactly the same, except he's got blood on his name tag and some minor bites on his hands and face that look like they came from rabid preschoolers with atrophied jaw muscles.

THAT'S REALLY LAME.

Yeah, I know.

THEN WHAT HAPPENS?  

I track down and massacre the screenwriters in a hail of automatic gunfire and avenge the legacy of the video games, right after I firebomb the studio that green-lighted the script and walk away silhouetted by the flames.

*SIGH* So the the survivors escape by crawling through the air ducts (really original) and end up in the sewer under-level. Then zombies find them, and Michelle Rodriguez gets bitten--again--and they escape by climbing on top of the ducts that are suspended perhaps three feet above the heads of the zombie horde. They spend a brief moment up there, with the zombies moaning, growling, and stretching their rotten fingers up less than a foot below our heroes. This is one of the only genuinely good parts of the film. Then they go back and reboot the artificial intelligence they deactivated earlier, which is what opened all the doors and let the zombies out, which helps them because they'll fry it permanently if it doesn't. Then they run through the top-secret labs of Idontgiveashit. Alice, Milla Jovovich's role, learns that she was married to one of the characters, but forgot because when the T-virus was unleashed in the underground lab (called the "Hive"), knock-out gas conked her out, which makes no sense whatsoever, but hey, the whole "Total Recall" plot is popular with nerds, so why not? Then it turns out that her beau is the one who unleashed the virus, because he was betraying Umbrella and wanted to sell it on the black market (thus covering up his theft with the outbreak) to Saddam Hussein so he could wipe out Israel and then threaten the world with radioactive Jewish zombies (much to the delight of Christians everywhere) while he, her husband retires in Miami Beach.

Oh yeah, I just made that last bit up on the spot, but it's still more coherent than the actual story.

So then they get on a train, and the delightful Michelle Rodriguez turns into a zombie and menaces the only surviving male like a drunken, horny prom date while Alice fights a Licker, this giant, hideous mutant monster created when Umbrella injected the T-virus into animals. After a few hectic moments of uber-realistic CGI terror, Alice traps the Licker's tongue and then shuts the hatch doors on the bottom of the train, severing it's tongue and sending it under the wheels. Then they get into the mansion, but the doors lock them in. Oh, did I neglect to mention that they only had like six hours at the beginning of this shit festival to get out of the Hive before it sealed them in? Oh well. But lo! gas-masked scientists in Hazmat suits come in and take them away, and the guy starts mutating into... well, you'll find out. Then she wakes up in a hospital and the zombie apocalypse has begun, evidenced by the empty, desolate city she walks out into. Cue credits.

Score: 6 out of 10, and it only gets that because of Milla's lovely curves.

THINGS I LEARNED.
>Milla Jovovich is hot.
>Hollywood corrupts everything it touches, turning hours of fond childhood memories into vacuous, pop culture trash.
>Any zombie film that fails to deliver sickening and depraved blood and gore has sold out to the Religious Reich, and fails as a movie, no matter how otherwise good it may have been.
>Writing movie reviews is really fucking boring. I almost ended it right after the Saddam part, and every word after the failed zombie/cannibalism scene was painful.
>Badass characters deserve fitting death scenes. That I have to actually express this for the filmmaker's benefit is depressing.Take a writing class, for crying out loud.
>I hate the fans of this tasteless franchise with a passion. Eat my shit, losers.

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